when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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