TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
