he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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