dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
