I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i was born a porn star she said
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
