omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
