Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
