what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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