I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
