so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
