This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
