I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
handjob tips. give me some.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
