I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize