According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
