People in love make me want to vomit
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize