JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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