if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he puts the penis in happiness.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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