he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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