She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize