How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize