We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
