I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
