I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
