he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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