I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
