I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
