so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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