so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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