Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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