He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize