His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
