Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
