And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
