my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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