dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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