Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I've blown a few things in my day
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
