Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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