I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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