so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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