I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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