I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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