When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize