two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
