so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
