I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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