turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
