And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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