Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
