I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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