omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
