I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
