my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
