your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
