Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
