I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
